Earlier on, I asked You why, of all the people on this planet, You would choose me. I am the oldest of the bunch. I am undisciplined, stubborn, fickle, weak, grossly under-studied in your word, near faithless and ubiquitously unwise. My choices in life, behaviors, thoughts, proclivities and words all speak to my position as one who is entirely unworthy of the task that You have set before me.
Yet You have chosen me.
Despite my flaws, my fears, my insecurities, my dumb mistakes, my worries and behaviors that should rightfully classify me as downright asinine...despite all my shortcomings, You say to me in 1 Corinthinans 1:27 that You will use me, the weak, to shame the strong. You will use me, the foolish, to shame the wise. In effort to redeem Your children, You would take me as I am and use me if I let You and promise to do wonderful things in my life if I trust You enough to surrender everything to You...my wants...my needs..my vices...my failures...everything.
God, I've got to admit...this sounds a little too good to be true and there are two things I feel; an overwhelming sense of unworthiness coupled with fear, because I am afraid of failing You and of letting everything go trusting that You will take better care of all of me and my issues than everyone else who has tried and I also (kind of ironically) feel overwhelmingly honored, humbled, happy and loved that of all the better speakers, singers, thinkers, Biblical students, qualified mission-oriented personnel, healthier, younger, stronger and all-around superior individuals You could have picked, You chose me.
So here I am...scared beyond belief, confused and also realizing that part of my fear ACTUALLY is rooted in what I am capable of and who I will become if I allow You to change me. Gosh, change is soooo uncomfortable...especially now that I am just now beginning to get comfortable with myself. Oh well...I'm already here in a foreign land and having trusted You this far, I might as well see this through, right? I mean, the comforts of home are already behind me and to travel this far, see the magnitude of things I have only just now seen in a week and a half of being here and then turning around and saying "No thanks", would definitely make me the biggest moron in the universe. Besides, Your messages to me and my roommates (who I can't thank You enough for blessing me with) are unquestionably received. You ARE present. You ARE specific in answering prayer. You DO want us to know You walk with us and beside us in the good times and the not-so-fun times. I'll do my best God.
It's not much, but that's all it seems You require. So here it comes. Please be patient with me...please?
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